2026 Sexy Dick Pic of the Month Calendar

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Everyone knows that nothing says “Thinking about you!” like an unsolicited dick pic. Meetings. Dinner with your parents. There’s never a bad time to have an unsolicited picture of a dick appear on your phone. Ask anyone! Everyone loves being surprised by one. Romance is not dead.

Now you can experience a new dick that can leave their mark on your wall every month. This calendar guarantees you’ll never forget what month it is. A year’s worth of tasteful dicks to brighten your desk for you to enjoy and share with friends and coworkers. No one can ever get enough dick pics, so we’re offering this amazing calendar featuring 12 months of dicks you never asked for. Have you even counted the number of dicks you’ve seen over the years? You’ll be shocked by how many dicks you recognize!

“Finally, a calendar that has zero respect for my inbox!” – Janet, 34

“I used to only get these on dating apps. Now I can enjoy them year-round!” – Marcus, 29

“Great conversation starter at family gatherings” – Deborah, 52

“The perfect Christmas gift for 2025!” – Becky, 37

“This calendar will make gay men straight and turn all women into lesbians.” – Sigmund, 169

“I am completely baffled about how this species of primate is possibly able to continue to reproduce.” – Dr. Jane Goodall, 91

JANUARY’S Dick Pick of the Month: Dick Nixon

New Year, New Tricks. Same old Dick.

This month’s sexy Dick is one of history’s biggest dicks. Nothing says fresh starts like Tricky Dick himself, caught in a rare moment of genuine surprise.

This is the kind of Dick that will enter Cambodia without asking. The kind of Dick that can get into China. When Dick wants in somewhere, “no” means nothing.

Turn-ons: Plausible deniability, secret tapes, enemies lists, the sound of a paper shredder, executive privilege, perfectly executed cover-ups

Turn-offs: Whistleblowers, investigative journalism, missing minutes, subpoenas, people who keep records, anyone named Woodward or Bernstein

Fun Dick Fact: Nixon installed a bowling alley in the White House. A man who understands the importance of good ball handling.

Quote: “I gave them a sword, and they stuck it in… and they twisted it with relish. And I guess if I’d been in their position, I’d have done the same thing.”

FEBRUARY’S Dick Pic of the Month: Dick Cheney

This Dick shoots first, asks questions never.

This month’s sexy Dick is one who knows what he wants and takes it. The kind of Dick that will unload into a friend’s face without warning. The kind of Dick that enters restricted areas. When this Dick pulls the trigger, someone else apologizes.

Turn-ons: Undisclosed locations, enhanced interrogation techniques, Halliburton stock options, energy task forces, executive power, hunting “accidents,” the sound of a heartbeat stopping that isn’t his own, no-bid contracts

Turn-offs: Transparency, congressional oversight, international law, apologies, weapons inspectors, doctors who ask questions, friends who can’t take birdshot to the face

Fun Dick Fact: Cheney has survived five heart attacks and multiple heart surgeries. This Dick we thought was literally too mean to die.

Quote: “If you’re going to go in and try to topple Saddam Hussein, you have to go to Baghdad. Once you’ve got Baghdad, it’s not clear what you do with it.” (Wait, wrong quote. That was 1994 Cheney warning against exactly what 2003 Cheney did.) What a dick!

MARCH’S Dick Pic of the Month: Dick Butkus

This Dick comes in like a lion and leaves like a bear (rarrrr!)

This Dick never kisses butt, more like it kicks butt; into submission!

Lions and tigers and Bears, oh my! We’re confused, but who cares!

Turn-ons: Full contact, aggressive pursuit, the crunch of impact, intimidation, middle linebacker position, making quarterbacks nervous, crushing dreams, the 1960s before rules got soft, yellow brick roads that lead to pain

Turn-offs: Flag football, participation trophies, “unnecessary roughness” penalties, protective equipment that actually protects, apologies for hitting too hard, the forward pass, cowardly lions

Fun Dick Fact: Butkus was so feared that opposing teams designed entire offensive strategies just to avoid him. This Dick demands special attention.

Quote: “I wouldn’t ever set out to hurt anyone deliberately unless it was, you know, important, like a league game or something.”

APRIL’S Dick Pic of the Month: Dick Trickle

April showers bring Dick Trickle. But this Dick will be gushing all over you!

This Dick oozes sexy (he might want to get that checked). When it rains, it pours, but this Dick just trickles… constantly. Some problems don’t go away on their own.

If your Dick Trickles for more than 4 hours, consult your physician. Brought to you by our sponsor: Penicillin.

Turn-ons: High speeds, left turns, checkered flags, wet tracks, slippery conditions, poor drainage, ignoring warning signs, the smell of burning rubber, extended pit stops, rainbows after the storm

Turn-offs: Right turns, adequate plumbing, urologists, prostate exams, anyone suggesting he “get that looked at,” absorbent materials, Depends commercials, mechanics who ask too many questions

Fun Dick Fact: Dick Trickle once drilled a hole in his helmet so he could smoke cigarettes during races. This Dick has always had questionable judgment about what to put where.

Quote: “I’m Dick Trickle, and yes, that’s my real name.”

MAY’S Dick Pic of the Month: Dick Van Dyke

One Dick who definitely isn’t

This Dick speaks Cockney! Mary Tyler Moore always wanted more, and the other Mary couldn’t wait for him to pop in. This Dick doesn’t mind getting dirty in your chimney hole, if that’s what you’re into. He’ll politely wait for your consent, but are you really going to say no to that smile? Chim chim cher-ee!

Turn-ons: Rooftops, swept chimneys, step-in-time routines, spoonful of sugar, kite flying, penguins, London accents (G’bner!), magical nannies, getting sooty

Turn-offs: Banks, staying clean, realistic dialect coaching, gravity, aging (100 and still dancing)

Fun Dick Fact: Dick Van Dyke’s Cockney accent in Mary Poppins is considered one of the worst in cinema history. This Dick doesn’t let authenticity get in the way of enthusiasm.

Quote: “I’m not a chimney sweep, I just play one in the movies!”

JUNE’S Dick Pic of the Month: Dick York & Dick Sargent

It’s Gemini season! Two Darrins, double the Dick!

Why settle for one disappointing Dick when you can have two? These interchangeable Dicks prove that when the first one doesn’t work out, there’s always a replacement ready to step in. Same character, different Dick. Double your pleasure, double your fun! You probably won’t notice the difference! Didn’t make any difference to Samantha. When a hole opens up, any new dick can assume the position.

Turn-ons: Nosy neighbors, witch wives, corporate advertising jobs, martinis at 5pm, mid-century modern furniture, matching outfits, being told what to do by powerful women, network television

Turn-offs: Magic, mother-in-laws, being replaced, back pain, sloppy seconds, anyone pointing out the obvious difference

Fun Dick Fact: Dick York left Bewitched due to a back injury, and Dick Sargent seamlessly took over. Proof that all Dicks are replaceable.

Quote: “Samantha!” (in unison)

JULY’S Dick Pic of the Month: Dick Dale

Summer’s here, and the time is right for Dick!

The King of the Surf Guitar knows how to handle his board. Dick’s got wood, and it’s ridged all day! Look at the size of that thing! This Dick makes waves, and he’s not afraid to show you what he’s working with on the beach (careful with that sand, ladies!) He’s left-handed, and if you use your left hand it feels like someone else. Try it!

Turn-ons: Lots of Reverb (because it needs to sound wet too!), wetsuits (caused by him), waxing his board, hot summer days, perfect waves, loud amplifiers, showing off his wood, making it wet, Lebanese-Polish heritage, pipeline position

Turn-offs: Landlocked states, flat water and women, quiet venues, right-handed guitars that aren’t flipped, anyone who doesn’t appreciate good wood

Fun Dick Fact: Dick Dale was left-handed but played a right-handed Fender Stratocaster flipped upside down without restringing it. This Dick can do it backwards, upside down, and still make it work.

Quote: “I wanted to make my guitar scream with pain, or ecstasy.”

AUGUST’S Dick Pic of the Month: Dick Tracy

Even a cartoon dick is fun!

This Dick can’t wait to show you what he’s packing! It’s not just the law’s arm that’s long! He’s drawn that way because he is that way. A 94 year old Dick, that’s aged like fine wine!

Turn-ons: Justice, fedoras, yellow trenchcoats, noir lighting, solved cases, two-way communication, square jaws, being drawn perfectly, primary colors, undercover work, long investigations, getting his man (or woman)

Turn-offs: Unsolved mysteries, criminals who get away, being colored outside the lines, 3D animation, soft-boiled anything, unclear motives, people who don’t appreciate a good Dick

Fun Dick Fact: Dick Tracy first appeared in 1931 and has been solving crimes in the funny pages ever since. This Dick has staying power that spans nearly a century.

Quote: “I’m on the case!”

SEPTEMBER’S Dick Pic of the Month: Dick Cavett

This Dick stimulates your mind before anything else.

The kind of Dick that wants to have a deep conversation before going in deeper. The thinking man’s Dick. The brain is homo sapiens’ largest sex organ. This Dick interviewed everyone from Groucho Marx to Marlon Brando, and now he’s interviewing you with his eyes. Are you smart enough for this Dick? Just look at the size of that vocabulary!

Turn-ons: Witty banter, cultural references, Yale degrees, sophisticated humor, asking probing questions, making guests uncomfortable, NBC late night, PBS intellectualism, proving he’s the smartest Dick in the room

Turn-offs: Anti-intellectualism, simple answers, anyone dumber than him (so, everyone), laugh tracks, lowbrow comedy, people who don’t get the joke, having to explain the joke

Fun Dick Fact: Cavett was a former amateur boxer and magician before becoming a talk show host. This Dick has layers you didn’t expect.

Quote: “As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.”

OCTOBER’S Dick Pic of the Month: Dick Gregory

This Dick Has Seen Some Things

The oldest Dick in the calendar proves age is just a number (a very high number). This Dick marched with MLK, ran for president, and now he’s reclining for you. Revolutionary by day, pin-up by… well, also by day because his bedtime is 7 PM.

This Dick needs a little pharmaceutical assistance these days, but he’s still got that activist fire. The kind of Dick that will protest injustice and your assumptions about senior sexuality. Viagra in one hand, truth to power in the other.

Turn-ons: Civil rights, health food, fasting, speaking truth to power, Medicare coverage, early bird specials, naps, remembering when activism meant something, pills that actually work

Turn-offs: Racism, injustice, processed foods, staying up past 9 PM, people who don’t appreciate history, anyone who underestimates elderly Dicks

Fun Dick Fact: Dick Gregory once ran for president in 1968 and got 47,097 votes. This Dick has always aimed high.

Quote: “I never learned hate at home, or shame. I had to go to school for that.”

NOVEMBER’S Dick Pic of the Month: Dick Van Patten

Thanksgiving Dick: For When Eight Is NOT Enough

This Dick comes with all the trimmings! This Dick proves that presentation matters. Sure, he’s a little dry, needs more basting, but he’ll slather all the gravy you want on anything, so it goes down easier. The kind of Dick that’s welcome to every family gathering.

Turn-ons: Large families, dinner table conversations, carving knives, stuffing (lots of it), gravy boats, second helpings, holiday traditions, ABC sitcoms, being the center of attention, meat thermometers

Turn-offs: Small portions, going hungry, empty nests, portion control, anyone suggesting “eight is actually plenty,” vegetarians, Tofurky, minimalist Thanksgiving spreads

Fun Dick Fact: Dick Van Patten had three sons in real life but played father to eight TV children. This Dick’s fictional family was bigger than his real one. Overcompensating much?

Quote: “Eight is enough to fill our lives with love!”

DECEMBER and JANUARY’S Dick Pic of the Month: Dick Clark

Here’s a Dick that never gets old.

Ring in the new year with America’s most ageless Dick. This Dick has been dropping balls on national television for decades and never shows his age. Some say he made a deal. Some say it’s good genes. We say it’s none of your business what’s in that portrait. Baby, it’s cold outside!

Turn-ons: Countdowns, champagne, Times Square, screaming teenagers, bandstands, rocking New Year’s Eves, the stroke of midnight, eternal youth, whatever keeps that painting locked away

Turn-offs: Aging gracefully, the passage of time, mirrors that tell the truth, anyone asking about his skincare routine, mortality, people who’ve seen the attic

Fun Dick Fact: Clark hosted New Year’s Rockin’ Eve for 33 consecutive years. This Dick knows how to last all night long.

Quote: “If you want to stay young-looking, pick your parents very carefully.”