February 23, 2023December 19, 2023 You’re the Top (I’m the Bottom) On Mar 5, 2022, SNL’s Cold Opening “Fox News Ukrainian Invasion Celebration Spectacular” had Donald Tr*mp singing ‘My Funny Valentine’ to Vladimir Putin. I thought this was a missed opportunity. I think it should have been, “You’re The Top” by Cole Porter. I’m now imagining that a whole, “Tr*mp – The Homoerotic Musical” could work. Hopefully climaxing in the most homoerotic musical number ever written, “Jailhouse Rock”. Then I tried to rewrite the lyrics to “You’re The Top”, which proved to be as hard as Vlad is as Donnie’s dreams. I know this number from, “Anything Goes” is pushing 90 years old, so the melody might not pop into everyone’s heads. You’re the top (Tr*mp to Putin version) My thoughts freneticMy coup patheticEven though all my words are the bestWhen wishing to have you on my chestMy Homoeroticism……Unrepressed While you’re invading I’m serenadingAs horny as a sailor in a bar Even if my ditty is kinda shittyHow much like Catherine the Great you are You’re the top!You’re the king of KremlinYou’re the top!You’re a shirtless gremlin You’re a dictator, war criminal, monarchYou’re a nuclear blackmailerA Crimea invaderYou’re an Oligarch You’re vileYou’re my orifice fillerYou’re the smile on a psycho killer I’m a shithole Czech, a total wreck, a flopBut if, Vlady, I’m the bottom, you’re the top You’re the topYou’re not like that looser GandhiYou’re the topYou’re a Napoleon wannabe You’re an assassin using repression and painYou’re the National disgraceYou’re the cock in my faceYou’re acid rain You’re slimeYou’re a prodigious sinnerYou’re the predetermined election winner My dick’s a toy balloon that’s fated soon to popBut if, Baby, I’m the bottom, you’re the top You’re the topYou’re Ivanka’s pussyYou’re the topYou’re my favorite Roosky You’re the tank treads on the face of UkraineYou’re a true crime dramaYou’re Satan’s mamaYou’re rectal pain You’re a dickYou’re the Inferno of DanteYou’re the hard pricks in the Full Monty Kim Jong-un, by the way, is up for a three-way dressed as copsBut if, Vlady, I’m the bottomYou’re the top You’re the topYou could toss my saladYou’re the topYou’re so sweaty and pallid You’re the swollen glands of a really special gentYou’re an authoritarian masterYou’re a plaster casterYou’re “President” You’re bromanceYou’re a blight on RussiaYou’re my dream, asshole bustaYou have the tape of pee… person, woman, man, camera, tv, full stop!Because, Vlady, I’m the bottomYou’re the top Music Politics
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